Wednesday, August 31, 2005:
ahhh. yet once more i flip through my bible pages. and i end up at psalms 28. read thru it and found that some verses sounded rather familar, and guess what. it was what ms ho read to us before a certain paper, a math maybe. i think it was late last wk. or maybe monday. hmmm. ya. anyway.
"the lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him and i am helped. my heart leaps for joy and i will give thanks to him in song." psalms 28:7. and i think psalm is quite a good book. read like at least 10 chapters. haha. (: there are many nice verses in it.. ladela.
ah. oh well. again i am reminded of how my faith is supposed to be so strong, yet it is so hard to stay positive for god. bleahh. sometimes, its not very, how do you put it, easy, especially with so many obstacles, they just wear you down so much, that i cant feel.. happy and relaxed anymore. you know the feeling? i guess it all comes down to how much trust in god you have, that he'll make all ur troubles disappear, make you change your frown into a smile.. i dont think he wants us to be miserable either.. but then, it just makes me feel so selfish, to dump all my problems onto him.. so that i can be happy again.. but then again, i guess, that's what makes him so special isnt it?
sometimes life can be so unfair, i cant believe i'm not allowed to go for a CHURCH SERVICE. wahhh. i dont see whats wrong. where has all the fairness in the world gone too? -wails- (i'm NOT being melodramatic here.! frowns-) seriously, i think i need the solid worship again, i dont really care WHICH church, as long as the svc is good. its like, my faith seems to be decreasing so rapidly. sigh. everything seems to be going out of control.. and sometimes i feel evangel isnt exactly doing much to help me. so many conflicts going on, its just making me go crazeeeee. i cant believe how nat is so peaceful about it. maybe i'm just being sucked in too much of this. i shall try and not care too. then i wont be affected. be switzerland or something, neutral policy. wahooo. yikes. i just cant believe it. my life seems to have so much... unrest. or whatever its called. up and downs, or something. it feels so
argh. sometimes i try so hard, (okay maybe not that hard) to just stay focussed, and be strong, but then i just break down all over again.
whats the point in being happy then. if the happiness wears out. life gets so depressing after a while. bleahh. i wish i knew the purpose for my life. sometimes i feel so small, so useless, so clueless. living in such a big world, no brains and no talent, no guts either. gahhh. whats the point sometimes. how can small small me make a difference. i feel so fake sometimes, i dont even know whats the real me. there's so much distortion and twisting, sometimes i myself believe all of it, all of what i create. and its so not true, all so.. fake. sigh.
gosh. i sound so.. pathetic.
anyway. no point saying all these now. i guess the main point is just to see in the end, how god worked in my life. and i
will persevere. for him. yeah i would try to, at least.. ah well. as i said, god will want me to be happy..
"be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the lord." psalm 31:24 hope that reminds me better.. (:
alright, alright! i'll go. aiyah. cya.
a shout of praise.
11:35 PM
